Going to Israel?? Now?

     It's 8:30pm ,Tuesday night, in Los Angeles.  I'm on the wood floor of my son's room, leaning against his bed as he falls asleep.  We read a chapter of Through the Looking Glass, as usual, said the bedtime shema, snuggled for a few minutes and talked about our mosquito bites.  He has one on his eyelid.  Earlier, while we played a competitive card game of Spit, He tried to help me understand that where he comes from, "planet Cumfrum, where everything comes from", you are not one person like humans are , but you are actually five. People.  "Yes" he said, "Five people. It's a bit complicated.  It is not something that can be easily explained." He said.
    Did I mention, he is 8 years old?  Normal conversation.  I think, of course we are from different planets; that's what he's telling me.  But then again, despite our generation gap, I  wonder if we're not from the same planet after all.  
    I'm scheduled, as staff,  to meet the JWI/Jewish Women's Instituse Aish LA and JWRP /Jewish Womens Renaissance Project leaders and participants in Tel Aviv on Monday, when our Women's Momentum trip begins.   As a city Leader on the trip I hope to be not only a model for other Jewish women but a partner with them as we all grow and deepen our Jewish connection together.     Right now, I am at least five people, mother, wife, independent Jewish woman, daughter, entrepreneur, and there are more; friend, teacher, student.   How am I all these things and still so certain that "all of us" want to take this trip into Israel with 45 women from LA and hundreds of others joining us from around the country and Israel?  How can I be a mother and choose  to spend the next 13 days a world away from my son? How does this mother, and this wife pray for safety and choose to go on a trip to a country where there is apparent physical danger from random terror attacks happening as she prepares for over a week away from her beloved.   How does a good friend make this journey and still be a friend and comfort to her soul sister who is grieving over the loss of her father? How can this entrepreneur take so much unpaid time off of work?   How does this daughter explain to her parents who worry for her safety that she is honoring them as she heads to our home land during a time of serious unrest.  There are  reasons to not even have considered going on this  trip in the first place,  but now with the recent escalating violent random terror attacks in Jerusalem, and elsewhere, and several women opting out of the trip, it is a more complicated decision.   How do I get all of these voices all of these competing values to stand with me with confidence as I embark on what feels so important and necessary to the me that is Leah Faygel, the soul that encompasses all of these women, as well as every Jewish soul that ever lived in the past, present and future. 
   Well.  Well what?  Just, well,  I'm going! The trip is on! The itinerary has been revised, security increased and we are doing this.  9:30PM finished packing.  12pm asleep.  From 4am until 8:30am I deliberate.  I struggle with fear, with responsibility, with freedom of choice, with all my selves.  Is this the right time to go?  Am I walking into a danger zone?  I call my dear friends in Israel,  I meditate, I talk with my husband, I talk with my friends here in LA,  I think and think  and weigh and wait for clarity.  At 8:30AM I call El Al to change my flight plans to fly on Sunday, with the rest of the group, rather than on Wednesday, which would have been that morning, to spend four days with my dear friends in Ramat Beit  Shemesh.    As I am deeply aware of what I am giving up and giving in to, in order to "feel" more secure, I am already relieved that I will be traveling only with the group who have planned for the tightest security possible.  I am saddened beyond measure to disappoint my friends and to miss a most special few days of reuniting and relaxing with brave and committed friends who made Aliyah many years ago.  I am sad that the terrorists pushed my buttons and got to me from so far away, but I have to listen to my body and my own wisdom of myself, and what I needed to do was simply delay my departure.  I am going on Sunday with the rest of the tour; we will fly together, we will land in Israel together, we will discover together, we will support Israel together, we will be moms and wives and daughters and independent Jewish Women; we will be friends, we will be a renaissance, we will be soldiers and sisters and we will learn about god, about ourselves and about each other and Israel.  Not because we want to travel without our families; not simply because we want some great adventure for ourselves, not because of the opinions of all the people that we are at any point in the day or week or year.  But, I suggest,  because we are bigger than those selves,  we are something beyond them, and in order to be the best mom, wife, friend , Jewish woman, and human beings we can be, we stretch and reach and sometimes live in the tension, and we allow many truths to exist at once.  Our partners, children, friends and colleagues should deserve the best of each of us  and those true supporters want to see us grow, learn and bring back home all the strength that is Israel; all the wisdom of our forefathers and foremothers, the courage of our Israeli soldiers, the compassion of our brothers and sisters, the commitment of our Jewish leaders, the essense of Israel's soil and soul.    Our friends there need us too.  We have our immediate families and we have our larger family and all are connected by our solid roots that go deep down and far back in time.  So I set off to have fun, to connect, to learn more about other Jews and more about God,  more about myself and more about home, about Israel, about the planet "Cumfrum", where we all come from. 
Come with me.  Stay tuned.